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je suis geode |
Other bad news: One. My laptop died a few days ago. It just shows the startup screen for eternity but never actually turns on. It was my baby. Rest in peace. Two, I have to stay home again today. Yesterday just because my mom wanted me to (which was ridiculous because she wasn't even going to be home,) and today because my dad is coming home for the first time in weeks. Yeah, I'll be glad to see him, but I really miss hanging out with my friends. I guess it's time to get used to a less fun lifestyle anyway. School starts on the 25th so I've been getting up progressively earlier trying to un-jetlag myself. I wonder why he's not calling. He's never been half an hour late before without letting me know what's up. Maybe he slept late. I'll let him sleep a bit longer before I call him. I need to stop taking myself so seriously. On another note, I have good news: I bought sunless tanner, which works miraculously. You should see my normally bone-white ass. It looks like I've been tanning in the buff. Speaking of my ass, I have dropped a full five pounds since I returned from my cruise to Alaska. The only way that that weight was staying would be if I consumed 20384732094823049832098 calories per day like I did in Alaska. I wish I still had the cruise food though. Damn, those chicken burgers were good. Oh, and my breasts are growing. Again. They are very sore. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up disproportionate. See? I'm so young that my boobs haven't finished growing, and I feel like I have to think about things like taking drugs and losing my virginity. For Christ's sake, can't we just be children? Think about these kids that are leaving for college next year. S is included in that group. He's going to be leaving his house more or less forever in roughly a year. I can't imagine him on his own. I mean, he's the most mature 17-year-old I have ever encountered, but I still don't think he's ready to move out forever. He may be mature, but all on his own? No one to get on his back about things, no one to scrub down counters or cook food or do laundry or wash dishes. No one to tell him it's late and he should go to bed. If he hears someone walking around at night, there's no one to go see if it's a robber. No one but him. I just realized how scary it must be to live without your parents. Ok, rant over. I had a lovely conversation with Caveman last night. He's in Florida and I miss him terribly. This morning I was going to cook breakfast, and I picked up the phone to call him and invite him over before I realized he wasn't in town. I'm also sad that Caveman and I don't have the customary free period together. Last year's G period was the entire basis of our friendship and if we can't go to Ricketts' room and roll a basketball back and forth like two demented toddlers every once in a while, I don't know what I'll do. Well, at least he has a car. We'll hang out after school. I'm in the mood for shopping online. I'll write more later. I read an article recently which said that most teenagers masturbate to fantasies of their significant others. I wonder how many significant others out there would be disturbed by that fact. S doesn't get back for a while, and judging by his lack of text-messages he has no service where he's staying. I wish I could talk to him. I found a shirt that my sister bought for him in my room today. This morning I hoped to see Bru at church. I did not. I did have a goat cheese and tomato omelette for breakfast though, and that made up for it. I practiced driving with my mom today, too. I actually made a right turn into the left lane. I drove on the wrong side of the road for quite a while before it occurred to me what I was doing wrong, even with my mother screaming in the passenger seat. I am a very bad driver. I've returned from my travels in Spain and Amsterdam and Alaska with a lot of history that you haven't been a part of, dearest blog. Some of it was dark and painful. Some of it was the most fun I've ever had. Maybe someday I'll revisit those memories, but for now let's leave the past in the past where it belongs. Tit has moved away to Atlanta for ever. I think it will only get harder to live without her there. I bought goat cheese for a sandwich today and thought of her. I'm going down to ATL for Thanksgiving, though, so I'll see if I can meet her then. Jester, Lady B, Caveman, and S are still here; it has been good to see all of them. I'm blessed with a wonderful group of friends. I've also been seeing a lot of PC and Calzone, my ex and my sixth cousin respectively. They're madly in love. It's cute, unless I have to see too much physical contact, in which case it's only mildly annoying. If I could control power outages, I would have them happen so that they would always end exactly at midnight. Then all the clocks would flash the exact right time. Moving on to my own love life, it's a little confusing right now. This is what I said S in an email before we ever started dating: One thing I've worried about a lot is the same thing you just talked about. It's more important to be friends than anything else, and plenty of people have warned me about "how much it'll blow when you break up."Now, it seems like there's so much more pressure to be in love than to love each other. I feel like things haven't had the chance they ought to have had to progress while I was gone. There was a time that I knew I was madly in love with him, but that togetherness only lasted for a few months before I left for an equally long time as we'd been together. Being alone all that time didn't get rid of my love for him, but it changed it, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that it didn't. I see him as a friend now. It's confusing because I still have strong feelings for him, they're just not romantic anymore. And I can't pretend that everything is ok, because I know the only way to preserve our friendship is to not let anything get to the point where it's too wierd. I have to break up with him. The hard part about breaking up with someone you love is that you care how you leave things. If my friendship with S were to change even the slightest bit, I would be devastated. I can only imagine, however, that that's the exact same way he feels about our romance. So I suppose I deserve to lose S as a friend if thats how he wants it to happen. I know he won't, though. That's the good news about our breakup. I guess all that will really change about our relationship is a title and the hooking up. But I know he won't see it that way. He'll be devastated and for the first time in months I won't be able to console him. I'll be the cause. You guessed it. S is back, and back in action. Despite some totally unneccesary shit thats been going down since I last updated, and maybe a crumb of necessary shit too, everything's back to perfect. Lady B and I are on best friend terms, Jester called me today, I finally slept over Tit's house, I resized two of caveman's shirts (by choice I promise) and best of all I had a completely, utterly, totally incredible night with S tonight. On the other hand, I can barely move I'm so relaxed and tired. Mmmmm. Night The bad news is that he's gone and I miss him, and the other bad news is that none of my other friends take much of an interest in me lately, and the other bad news is that my sister thinks I'm a budding stoner and is threatening to tell my parents, and the other bad news is that I feel sick, and the other bad news is I'm sleep deprived and have tons of chores to do. I need a mood booster. Porn isn't helping, much as it usually does. I think I'm inundating my brain with so much sex lately that it simply doesn't have the energy to process it anymore. On the other hand, here's a still from this porn i attempted to watch earlier. Check out those sexy hiking boots on that girl. That, and you can't tell but she's a little bit of a Mischa look-alike. Click.... Ok well Caveman is coming by to get me. Bye then. The world is against me.  Jenny Lewis is the woman of my dreams. I saw Rilo Kiley for the second time tonight... it was brilliant just like last time. I got a tee shirt and I got one for my sister for her birthday too. My boy is leaving me for a week or so. I'm gonna miss him, and then I only see him once or so before I disappear to Spain for ever. And by ever I really just mean a long time. But still. He's so good to me. We have such good times together. And he's so pretty. I miss him already. Well I have church early tomorrow. More writage later. |
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